mercredi, juillet 11, 2007

Lassie a disparu

Faut savoir être patient(e)(s) des fois les gens, et à la lecture de ce blog, je peux vous dire qu'il en faut de la patience, parce que déjà c'est du grand naouak, et en plus, le postage est extrêmement irrégulier, et oui, la constance ne me caractérise pas vraiment. Et en plus, il faut dire ce qu'il est, les nains que j'ai conçus me prennent beaucoup de temps, et oui, ça vous surprend pas peut-être et ça ressemble certainement à une excuse bidon, mais il n'en demeure pas moins qu'il s'agit de la réalité qu'est vraie, plus que vraie même, vraiIssime (j'invente des mots si je veux, je suis chez moi ici, ça va bien hein).
Bref, avec tout ça, j'en étais où moi déjà?
Ah oui.
Ayé, le vaisseau spatial a décollé, ils sont tous partis, remplis d'allégresse tous autant qu'ils sont. Tout ce que je peux dire c'est que ça ne va pas durer, et oui, le bonheur n'est pas éternel, faut toujours qu'il y ai une merdasse dégoulasse qui vienne encrasser le joli petit pré fleuri.

Marc est fourré aux toilettes depuis qu'ils sont partis. Alors je ne sais pas si vous avez lu le blog de la femme qui est récemment partie dans l'espace, mais en tout cas moi oui, et j'ai appris que les liquides avaient des propriétés bizarres dès qu'on s'envolait un peu trop loin du plancher des vaches (meuh). Ben là, ils sont obligés d'adopter des techniques étranges pour réussir à pisser en paix, ce qui n'est pas une sinécure, car ça forme des sortes de petits galets flottants (je ne suis pas là pour être glamour non plus, n'exagèrons rien). Alors quand vient le moment de la grosse commission, c'est un peu la grosse katastrophe, si vous voyez ce que je veux dire. Non? Vous voulez des détails? Je ne suis pas une grosse crados, ce blog n'est pas un repaire de discus scatos, ça va bien hein, faites travailler votre imagination juste deux minutes et ensuite visualisez ce qu'un gros caca (le votre ou celui de Bruce Willis, c'est kifkif) peut faire lorsqu'on quitte l'attraction terrestre. Vous y êtes? Merci bien, j'ai horreur de rentrer dans ce genre de détails.
Bref, je disais donc.
Il faut quand même quelqu'un aux commandes. Ben vi, le pilote automatique est bien gentil, mais ça ne met aucune ambiance, il faut dire ce qu'il est. C'est pratique comme tout, mais les machines ont leur petit côté pervers dont il faut se méfier. Des fois, il leur prend l'envie de buguer leur mère, et ça porte toujours à conséquence, les bugages intempestifs qui nous pourrissent la vie. Et même dans l'espace, ce genre de binz arrive, et c'est d'autant plus fâcheux quand on se retrouve à plusieurs milliers de kilomètres de la terre ferme, du bocage normand voire des plages idylliques des Seychelles (je me disais bien que je réussirai à mettre les Seychelles quelque part).
Je m'égare.
Donc Marc est aux toilettes, il y fait ce qu'il veut, mais en tout cas, c'est bien qu'il y soit planqué un peu, qu'il ne voit pas ce qui se trame à l'extérieur de cette pièce tranquille. Déjà grâce à une pause d'environ un an, il a pu éviter de vivre l'élection du plus petit séprident de la France, alors bon, il n'est plus à un évenement près non plus. Pendant ce temps, Jean-Christian est aux commandes, il le vit plutôt sur le mode de la déconnade, que vazy je fais semblant de tripoter quatre vingt quatre manettes en même temps, pour faire genre, mais aussi parce que ça fait trop balèze auprès d'Aline de savoir maîtriser ce genre d'engin, lui qui a déjà raté son permis quatre fois. Aline est d'ailleurs assise à côté de lui, et observe le lointain horizon qui n'existait pas mais pourquoi j'existerai (répondrait-il) avec des jumelles technotroniques (pump up the jam pump it up), afin de détecter une éventuelle présence extra-terrestre. Jean-Christian a beau lui répéter que ce n'est pas à cette distance de la Terre qu'il risque de voir ET, mais elle hausse les épaules. Vous avez déjà essayé de hausser les épaules dans une combinaison d'astronaute super perfectionnée? Non? Alors ça va bien de ricaner hein.
Plus loin, vers le moteur, ou du moins la chose extra moderne qui permet à ce vaisseau de se propulser à la vitesse inouïe de 87 mille milliards de kilomètres minute, Arthur use du tournevis. C'est pratique un tournevis pour réparer des trucs, des fils qui traînent. Le tout avec un boîtier magnétique comme dans ocean's 11. Il a enlevé son tisheurt parce qu'il fait toujours incroyablement chaud près des moteurs, même les moteurs à fusion thermo-plastique à l'essence de colza (pas beaucoup de colza sur la route, néanmoins, c'est pour ça que le moteur à fusion thermo-plastique prend le relais). Il chantonne des chansons de blues avec un regard triste, ce qui est un peu inquiétant quand on est dans un vaisseau qui va à environ 84 000 et quelques milliards de kilomètres minute.

Tout d'un coup, le cri de Solange retentit:

"Lassie! LAAASSIE! On a perdu Lassie chien fidèle!"
La pauvre, elle est en pleurs (pas Lassie, puisqu'elle a disparu, Solange par contre, c'est la fontaine). Réunion du comité de crise, à savoir Arthur, Solange et Aline qui a posé ses jumelles du XXXè siècle. Où est passé ce chien? Encore à marquer son territoire dans la réserve? Non. Dans son panier? Non plus. Sous le tableau de bord? Apa. Huuuum, c'est inquiétant. Marc sort enfin des twalettes, livide, mais néanmoins fermement décidé à calmer cette agitation qui soudain trouble ces ennuis intestinaux divers. C'est bizarre qu'on ne le trouve nulle part tout de même.

Ils décident de se séparer pour commencer les recherches.
Ce qu'ils n'auraient pas du faire.
Justement, séparer, c'était le but.

Au moment où on les voit tous les quatre (Jean-Christian restant aux commandes), on aperçoit, nous, téléspectateurs fins et observateurs, Lassie planquée dans un coin, le regard cruel, les babines retroussées. On dirait même qu'elle ricane, la garce.

Mais est-ce vraiment Lassie?

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